The Journey Continues.....Part 2

By mid-July we were pretty well settled into our new home and ready to make a plan for continuing our IVF adventure.  The kind of odd part was that I wasn't wanting to move forward because I was mourning my recent loss and really wanted another chance for a different outcome (because I wasn't...I was still completely at peace about it all), it felt more like important unfinished business that needed to be addressed.  (Believe me -- I KNOW how detached and strange that sounds, but it was the truth just the same.) So I called the local clinic and made an appointment to get the ball rolling.  Because my fresh cycle was so recent, there wasn't much to do.  All the necessary testing and bloodwork, etc., was already done and my Utah clinic was very helpful in transferring up all those records.  So basically I had a preliminary ultrasound with the doctor, and then met with the FET coordinator to set up my schedule.  Due to some planned family vacations (took the girls to Disneyland -- SO FUN!) and other scheduling conflicts, we decided upon September 8th (today!) as a tentative transfer date.  I left the office with a pack of birth control pills and a plan.

Now that I had an actual date set for the transfer, I began a daily "exercise" of evaluating my feelings about everything.  And I have to say, I was all over the place.  I spent some time with my very-pregnant sister, and kept thinking, "Man! I am so glad that isn't me!!!" (But then again, I have already clearly decided that wanting to be pregnant and wanting a child are for me two very different things...)  But then at the end of July when that same sister moved to a new home close to me (YIPPEE!!!!) and I got to spend time with my newborn nephew, I would think, "Okay - he is so cute and snuggly and warm....I could do this again!"  And for a few days I found myself (for the first time, really) wanting a baby.  Especially when I watched the pure delight on my girl's faces as they held their tiny cousin.  And honestly - that wanting was not really welcome.  If I was wanting, then that meant I was open for massive heartbreak.  I preferred neutral.  Fortunately for me, after a few days of the "wanting," the feeling kind of subsided and I was back to my happy neutral -- either my upcoming FET would be successful and we would be very blessed with another child to love, or it wouldn't, and I would continue to be blessed by the two miracles I already have.  I have no idea why my heart and mind have been so truly neutral about this whole thing, but I consider it a tender mercy from God, since I was absolutely powerless to control the outcome...

On August 18th I went in for my baseline ultrasound.  My lining was a nice, thin 2.27mm and my ovaries were "quiet" - just like it was all supposed to be.  Then the next day I started my first injections of Estradiol Valerate -- basically straight estrogen, I think.  Though I was certainly not eager to start having my hubby stick a 1 1/2" needle in my bum again, the amount of medication was not a big deal, and so the resulting soreness wasn't a big deal either.  And I only had to do the injections on Tuesdays and Fridays, so I was good.  (The biggest problem was that the meds caused my boobs to get sooo sore! Not that any of you wanted to know that, but the whole point of this blog is to accurately record this whole experience, and believe me - this soreness was not to be ignored!)  On August 29th I went in for my second lining check.  The injections had done their job - my lining was a nice, thick 12mm!!  Everything was progressing nicely.

Then came Saturday, September 3rd--the day I had to begin the dreaded PIO (Progesterone-in-Oil) injections. (This clinic doesn't do the Crinone... :( ) When I drew up the full 2ml into the syringe, my dh looked at it and said, "Surely that can't be right...that is so much!"  Unfortunately I had not made a mistake.  Just to be clear, it is NOT the 1 1/2" needle being shoved into my muscles that is the problem, it is the fact that ALL THAT OIL has to go somewhere!  And I can feel it spreading out into the muscle as my dh does the injection.  The initial shot isn't too bad, but about three hours later the whole left side of my upper bum was so painful!  By the next morning, it seriously felt like I had been kicked by a mule and it hurt to move at all.  And what did I get to do?  Draw up another 2mm of oil to inject into the non-sore side.  Then comes Monday, and my left side is still so very sore, but I have to inject another 2mm of oil into it anyway!  And I am not exaggerating when I say that it starts to feel very much like torture.  I pretty much sat on a hotpad all day Monday and tried not to move.  The heat seemed to help and by Tuesday I wasn't feeling quite so miserable anymore.  And I sat in a long, hot bath Tuesday night which also helped ease the ache.  By Wednesday my body had kind of gotten used to the "torture" and the constant ache had settled down to a tolerable level. (Good thing, too, because IF I get pregnant I have to do daily PIO injections until 12 weeks gestation!!)  But believe me when I say that PIO shots really are awful and anyone who has to endure them deserves the right to whine about it as much as they like... (In addition to the PIO injections, Saturday I also started a course of Doxycycline and Medrol in preparation for my Thursday transfer day...)